Porch Wisdom: Why Men Lie

Ladies, I know there are a couple of questions that you've always had for men, such as why do we ogle at other females? Why do we insist on lying rather than telling the truth? Why do we never change? Well I'm here to answer one of those questions definitely and maybe one or two more, but don't get your hopes up.

I can answer one with this story. Pay close attention.

One day a woodcutter was walking along a river, whistling a tune and holding a common steel axe. He accidentally hit a rock and tripped, and sadly his axe went falling into the river. He cried and cried, until his cries were directed towards the Lord. In the form of a man, God asks the woodcutter, "My child, why do you weep?" With tears in his eyes the woodcutter explains that his axe fell into the river and God reaches into the river. He brings out a golden axe and asks the woodcutter if this axe is his axe. The woodcutter says no. God again reaches into the river and this time pulls out a silver axe. God asks the same question and the woodcutter responds the same way. Tossing the silver axe next to the golden one God reaches into the river one more time and reveals a steel axe. Overjoyed the woodcutter tells God that that is his axe and, just as overjoyed because of the man's honesty, God gives all three axes to the woodcutter as a reward. The woodcutter walks back to his humble hut, watching out for rocks, and tells his wife about his good news and fortune.

A week later the woodcutter and his wife, a wife who resembles Salma Hayek, are walking along the very same river. Ironically enough she trips on the very same rock that the woodcutter did before. The woodcutter, cursing his misfortune, cries, and in the same way as before God comes down from Heaven to the woodcutter.

"My child, what makes you cry today?" God asked. The woodcutter, hesitating for a moment, reveals that his wife had fallen into the river, and that he could not swim, his reasoning for not diving in for his axe before. God reaches into the river and pulls out a woman that resembles Halle Berry. God asked, "Is this your wife?"

"Yes, that's her, thank you very much!" said the woodcutter. He replied quickly and reached for the woman and God quickly moved her out of the way. There was fury in his eyes as he said, "YOU SPEAK FALSE! This is not your wife; what you have said is an untruth!"

The woodcutter sighs and shrugs his shoulders. He explains, "I understand that, God, and I'm sorry, but let me explain. See, I know that she's not my wife, and it's not usually in my nature to lie, but let's say I DID say that she wasn't my wife. You'd put her down there and you'd reach into the river and pull out Angelina Jolie, or Katie Holmes, or Kelly Hu, or Jessica Alba, or what had you. You'd ask me if she was my wife and I'd say no and you'd put her down and you'd reach into the river again and you'd pull out my wife. I'd say yes and you would smile and give me all three as wives. But my Lord, I'm but a poor woodcutter. I can hardly afford to pay for what I have now; there's no way that I can possibly support two more wives!"

The moral of the story: whenever a man lies he does so for a good reason.

So there's your answer to one question. I think I can effectively answer another while making something clear. Most females enter a relationship expecting to change their man. Most men enter a relationship hoping their woman never changes. Some females can change their man and they're disappointed with the change, unfairly blaming the man if he changes and unfairly blaming the man if does not. Some men keep their woman the same and get mad if she ceases to have at least some kind of mind of her own, unfairly blaming the woman if she does the same thing and unfairly blaming the woman if she does not stay the same. Let's examine that.

You want a long lasting relationship? You do? Then first, and this is for both men and women, stop anticipating ANYTHING. Leave some room for change, MASSIVE change, and be like Nike: impossible is nothing. Part two: if you're a man, know that your girl is more than likely going to change. If you're a woman, know that your man is more than likely going to stay the same. I can't speak for females too much, but us guys have a strange habit of never veering too far off course of our original paths. As soon as that is accepted then the relationship can flourish more. Lastly, don't think that just because things aren't entirely going your way the relationship is failing. If the other starts cheating then yes, you can pretty boldly say the relationship is failing, but if there's just some arguing, some backtalk and harsh wordplay, the relationship may not be over.

But you must remember this one thing. Ladies and gentlemen, of graduating internet class of 2009, I have this one piece of advice for you. No matter what a man tells you, he has a good reason for lying. Always. Oh, there may be bullshit in the methodology and reasoning, but there's always a good reason.

The end.